Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
