We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
