Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
