Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
