Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
