I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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