got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
