I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
