Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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