HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
