Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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