Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
