Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
