I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
