two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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