Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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