New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
