who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
