So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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