guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
