dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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