I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
