I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
