I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
