Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
