I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I will be naked everywhere
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
