I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
we should paint friendship bongs
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