I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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