well I can't set my house on fire every night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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