my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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