i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
