I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
