You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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