u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My first STD was from a foam party
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
