god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
