I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
