if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
