i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
