Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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