I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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