Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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