what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
