someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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