FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
