well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
