Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
