He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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