How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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