My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
