yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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