drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
