with your own penis?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
